A letter to my future provider

Dr. P,

I have heard only wonderful things about you, your practice, and your birth center and I thank you for considering me as a patient of yours for my upcoming birth.

I know you are reviewing my medical records for this pregnancy thus far as I am already 31 weeks in gestation. I wanted to write this to you because I feel those records may not tell the entire story of who I am, and why I am seeking your care.

First of all, let me say that this pregnancy has challenged me in ways I did not experience with my first. However, I am a firm believer in the universe, energy, and things being given to you in doses that you can handle. My first son, who is now two and a half, was conceived through IUI after fourteen months of trying on our own, after deeming ourselves ready with two full time incomes and a home of our own. It was very ‘planned’. It was smooth, no issues or complications just some heartburn and swollen feet.

That is what I needed at that time because, you see I was TERRIFIED of being pregnant, giving birth and did not know how physically and mentally I could even do it. I hired a team of birth doulas at 17 weeks and they were so informative, empowering, and supportive every step of the way. My birth was nothing short of amazing! I felt like a badass and was so happy and proud of myself that maybe I pushed those first few weeks a little too far because it was about ten days in to Motherhood that I was diagnosed with PP OCD and Anxiety. I won’t go into major details but just know I have been in the darkness and found the light. Since then I have created a community in the perinatal world to help others feel empowered and help them heal from PMADs. This has afforded me to opportunity to reframe so much about birth, motherhood, and women’s strength. I am a healer and Reiki Master and have become very in tune with my body and mind connection since having my son, even though I practiced reiki prior to conceiving him.

This time, we did not go through fertility, but my body decided it was time to grow our family. It was unplanned, and has given me many challenges. Nausea in the first trimester, FALSELY diagnosed hypertension in the second, and now risk of gestational diabetes in the third. In addition to some Pubis sympathis dysfunctions and round ligament pains I never felt with my first. I have also put up with a blatant bias for my size, even though nothing in my prior history warrants those concerns.

I am asking you to give me a chance to have the most empowering, positive, gentle birth and transition possible. Knowing that I am willing to shift gears if medically necessary. Of course baby and my safety is a priority. I am asking you to afford me the opportunity to birth the way I know our bodies can, with the support and encouragement from my family, doula, and birth team I want this time to be magical now that I know what I am capable of.

I have said from the moment I found out I was expecting, I want a homebirth experience in a hospital. However that has presented a challenge of finding a provider who can accommodate. My doula reached out (about a lotus birth) aand someone from your birth center responded quickly. I did my research and knew you were the path worth choosing even though I live an hour away.

This is the last child that I plan to birth and truly hoping for the experience I have been visualizing for months. I also have done the best I can with staying the course of prevention for another PMAD so that I can enjoy this transition wholeheartedly. I hope we can work together and empower each other for the birth of Owyn David.

Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to meeting you very soon!

Sincerely,

Nicole Obenshine

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YI want to read books.
I want to listen to calm music.
I want to practice yoga and healing practices with my sons.
I want to feel energized.
I want to have time to organize.
I want to not stress about bills and money.
I want to live freely in time and resources.
I want to help others and give back.
I want to create a safe space for moms.
I want to have a part in fixing the broken systems.
I want to enjoy each day without binds of time or obligation.
I want to feel empowered by my body no matter what it looks like.
I want to understand childhood agreements I have so I can ensure I don’t resolve them to Dylan and Owyn.
I want to paint and dance and laugh and sing.
I want to love healthy foods that nourish me.
I want to be authentically me without any self judgement.
I want to finish all the projects in my head.
I want to create a routine that fullfills my soul every day.
I want to not stress and have anxieties about my dogs and babies.
I want to live in a clean environment.
I want to be the free spirit I long to be.
I want to feel good and make others feel it too.
I want to inspire and be inspired.

An Unconventional Yearn

I have always been an old soul.

As I get older, I am discovering just how old that soul actually is.

My heart yearns for simplicity and the basic fundamentals of life.

To live how they lived, with some modernizations of course.

But with basic human rights, human practices, and human conventions.

Where women don’t need to fear being sexualized, underpaid, or treated as second class.

Where men don’t need to man up, be the strongest person in the room, or can’t show vulnerability.

Where children are nurtured, loved, and understood not drowned out with technology.

Where everyone has the right to be who they want, love who they want and do what they want as long as no harm is involved or intended.

I want to celebrate the cycles of the moon, stars, and nature. Not holidays made to become industries where corporations capitalize.

I want to birth and honor the consciousness and power of the body, not modern medicine.

I want to spend days in meditation and practice. I want to conduct celebratory rituals with everything cycle.

I want to love and accept all humans for their soul, not their looks, labels, or beliefs.

I want to love all living things and acknowledge the connection of us all.

I want peace, freedom, and the chance to give back to mother Earth.

I want to teach my children how to be good humans without fitting them into a bucket of stereotypes and appropriations.

I want to live simply, of course with some modern conveniences but without being poisoned by food, air, and synthetics.

I want to feel empowered by my body without someone trying to sell me something to change it, look better or feel younger.

I want to be healthy, happy, and humble.

I want to agree to disagree and still love you for all that you are.

I want to work to make a difference in the world, not feel trapped just to keep the essentials for my family.

I want to live where everyone has a choice for their own body, mind, and soul.

I want to live where Moms are nurtured.

I want to live where families are holy, but not an obligation.

I want to travel and experience the world and not be bogged down with stuff.

I want to share my gifts with the world and know I am always provided for.

I want days filled with laughter, dancing, and joy. Not stress, worry and overthinking.

I want to live in a world without broken systems at every turn.

I want to live in a world where people are seen and heard for the right reasons.

I want to not race this made up concept of time.

I want to eat food bountiful and effortlessly with nutrients and vitamins.

I want to create a path, explore new ventures and be around people who understand me.

Anyone with me? Can we create a village free from current society but able to stay connected to those we love!

Why is that asking too much?

It is not my intention to hurt or offend anyone with my requests. 

This is solely to allow myself grace and permission to heal the way I feel is necessary.

I know it is very early, but this has weighed on my mind since we found out about the miracle that was blessed upon us.

After my birth, I do not wish to have any visitors in the hospital, unless you are personally asked. 

There will be a limited number of people asked to join us in the hospital. And those people will not be determined until Owyn comes Earthside, depending on many factors. Visiting time will be by a personal invitation by myself or John the day of the birth.

You’re relationship to us or the baby, does not entitle or guarantee you to be on that list. No offense intended.

This birth will end in a lotus baby, which means his Placenta will remain attached until it naturally falls off. This will allow for optimal bonding and closeness between Mom and Baby for the first 5-10 days of life. 

Mom and Baby will not leave home, unless critically necessary within the first 15 days of life. 

You are welcomed to visit our home, but will be asked to help around the house, bring a meal, and nurture Mama as well as Baby during this time. 

This is the last time I plan to go through this part of my life and I want to give myself the best possible chance to heal and recover both physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

I ask you to refrain from advising your opinions and remain  in silence due to the nature of me wanting to please others. I do not want to feel guilty about the decisions I feel very strongly about.I am being selfish for my health and happiness. I ask you respect this even if it is not what you agree with, prefer, or understand.

I have been through extreme darkness and was robbed of enjoying the first weeks and months of Dylan’s life to the fullest due to my own mind. And I have done massive work over the last 2 ½ years to ensure this time is different. 

I have a village that supports me, I hope you choose to be part of it- and in that, means respecting these requests. 

I ask you not to bring any “stuff” you feel obligated to buy the baby, but offer your time, energy, and help while we are in this vulnerable time.

My gratitude is vast. My intention is pure. My love is strong. 

Thank you,



Hello,⁣

I see you. ⁣
I hear and feel you.⁣
I am listening. ⁣

I know what it’s like to walk in your shoes, maybe not the same style or size, but nonetheless, walking in the path of Motherhood. ⁣

I have been through the darkness, been through the deepest trenches of my mind. I have doubted, questioned, and argued with idea if hopeless and worthlessness. ⁣

I was encouraged, supported, and empowered while I created this life inside me, then it all didn’t matter anymore. ⁣

I felt proud, strong, and accomplished after birth; to then feel flawed, useless, and shamed within days. ⁣

My mind was my worst enemy, fueled by society, expectations, and comparisons.⁣

Then something divine happened- I gave myself a Chance. ⁣

A chance to get well.⁣
A chance to birth myself as well.⁣
A chance to grow instead of sink. ⁣

I made a decision that I was worth it.⁣
I made a decision that I was enough.⁣
I made a decision that I could do it.⁣
Without being perfect.⁣
With lots of Grace and Gratitude.⁣


I found my power.⁣

The same power that unconsciously created, grew, and birthed this new life. ⁣

The same power that generations of Mothers have held over centuries. ⁣

The same power we are all connected with. ⁣

It is within us all. ⁣

It is within us always. ⁣

We need to peel back the layers of insecurity, judgement, and guilt in order to uncover it. ⁣

We need to give ourselves a fighting chance. ⁣

We need to know we are fucking worth it all. ⁣

All the support.⁣
All the care.⁣
All the help.⁣
All the grace.⁣
All the love.⁣

I love you,⁣

because you are me and I am you. ⁣

Mama, you are powerful no matter what you have been through. ⁣

Mama, you have the power to move forward and be well. ⁣

Mama, you have the power to create your life. ⁣

I hope you are feeling a little anxious, very excited, and even tingly while reading this.⁣

Because it means you believe that you hold this power, even if it’s a teeny bit at this moment. ⁣

Let us come together and uncover the power we possess. ⁣

With love,⁣
Nicole Obenshine⁣